


anthem for the broken

by rolie_polie



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alcoholism, Angst, Codependency, Hinata is suffering, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, OOC, Self Harm, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships, Unresolved Conflict, ambiguous ending, i think, ish, or at least codependent undertones, pls dont hate me, probably a happy ending tho
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-21
Updated: 2016-11-21
Packaged: 2018-09-01 09:00:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,924
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8618011
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rolie_polie/pseuds/rolie_polie
Summary: being in love with someone who won't stop punishing you is hard.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is probably out of character and I wrote it at 3 AM after having a mental breakdown. im sorry lol.

Being in love with someone who is angry with you is hard. Being in love with someone who is so angry they won't stop punishing you for it is harder.  
Being in love with Tsukishima Kei is hell.  
But that doesn't stop Shouyou from loving him. He loves that boy, and he would carry the weight of the world on his own back alone for him.  
That is a simple truth.  
However, Shouyou fucked up.  
That is another simple truth.  
The moment he turned his back, he had lost the pure, gentle love that Kei once gave him. It's hard to accept that there's nobody else he can blame. He stopped paying attention to Tsukishima. He chose drinking away his problems over dates, self harm over warm arms, ignorance over talking about it.  
Within the pain, Shouyou didn't notice that Kei, too, was hurting. He didn't notice himself pulling away, until the very day he ended it.  
He blames himself.  
Kei blames him.  
And he hates himself.  
More simple truths that Shouyou can't escape.  
So when Kei gives him a second chance, when Hinata starts to blubber and sob apologies the day he is told of the agony he caused, he's nearly ecstatic.  
Maybe, now, he can finally fix things.

Except he can't.

Because Tsukishima is still angry. Hinata does whatever the blond wants, because he knows he has to make up for hurting him, and rarely asks for anything.  
It's subtle.  
But the changes do happen.  
He becomes the warm body.  
The punchline of jokes in a group of friends.  
The fuck up.  
When it becomes apparent that he'll do anything for forgiveness, he becomes like a servant.  
He cleans up messes, he apologises even when he's right, and he carries the emotional baggage like a fucking pro.  
Shouyou knows there is nobody who cares. Everybody knows how he messed up, so nobody will listen to him.  
So when he cries, it's in the pitch black of his room, deep into the night.  
The night is when he lets himself hurt.  
He cries.  
He drinks until he can't function.  
He tears his skin to an almost unrecognizable point.  
And he blames himself.

He starts to write.  
Every time he is insulted, he writes it down.  
He makes lists.  
Lists of what he can do to finally be forgiven.  
Lists of the words he wishes Kei would say to him again.  
The one he wants to hear most is "strong".  
Kei used to always call him strong. In his darkest moments, the blond would hold him, and he would whisper,  
"You are so strong, Shou."  
Lately, Hinata feels only weak.  
He writes a list of what he feels.  
Weak.  
Useless.  
Disgusting.  
Unloved.  
Unlovable.  
It goes on for what feels like miles, and he weeps until his head is absolutely pounding when he writes it. The pages of his book become stained with his teardrops.  
He wonders if Kei ever cried like this. Wrote these pained words and desperately wished for mercy.

He isn't angry at Tsukishima.  
Hinata doesn't even have it in him to blame his lover for being this hurt.  
His suffering is his own fault.

But it breaks him. It's too much, and it breaks him.  
When this day comes, it weighs down so heavy, he knows that it will be a different day.  
The insults are worse than usual. Kei is not in a good mood.  
Shouyou is in so much pain, he just wants a hug.  
He tries to hug his lover as the day ends, and he is pushed away. His lip trembles so aggressively, but he fights the tears until they are locked up tight in his eye sockets. He tries to at least get a smile, a peck on the cheek, a "see you tomorrow".  
But nothing. Kei doesn't even say goodbye to him.  
Nobody does.

He still isn't angry. He gets home, and he writes. It's messy scribbles of agony, torture, and need. Shouyou needs love.  
He needs to be loved.  
From the moment he gave up on their relationship at the start, he's needed to be loved.  
Instead, he has been punished. He has been starved of his needs. He has been tortured by anger; anger he has tried so hard to quench, to be forgiven for.

When Kei texts him that he's coming over, Hinata merely responds with "okay".  
He promptly forgets, and elects to lock himself in the bathroom and cry his poor, beaten heart out. The blond probably just wants to fuck and then go home.  
It never occurs to Hinata how their relationship now resembles one of emotional abuse.  
He wouldn't care if it did.  
He would still blame himself.  
He would sooner label himself an abuser than Kei.

He is so busy crying, gasping for breath, shivering and shaking like a leaf, that he doesn't notice Kei has arrived.

In the other room, the blond waits. He doesn't announce his presence, as he usually doesn't anymore. Instead he sits at Shou's desk, and waits, bored.  
The longer it takes, the more impatient he gets, and so he starts to snoop.  
Most of Hinata's belongings are basic; at least in his desk. There's books, old schoolwork, pencils and markers. It's the newer looking notebook that catches Kei's eye. He's never seen it in Shouyou's backpack before, let alone being used during class.  
Not one to be wary of privacy, Tsukishima reads it.  
Every list that Hinata has written jumps out at him.  
It's a chorus, a wake up call, a scream.  
He can practically hear the ginger's voice, screaming, "HELP ME, I AM LONELY AND I AM AFRAID AND I AM HURTING SO BADLY, PLEASE HELP ME!"  
He is shocked.  
There are pages and pages of desperate pleas for affection, of anger directed only towards Hinata's own self, of justifications for Tsukishima's actions.  
There are tear stains and blood stains and mentions of the way he slices his skin open over and over and over again nightly, mentions of his extreme alcohol intake.

Hinata Shouyou hates himself.

And Tsukishima Kei, who mere moments ago hated Hinata, now hates himself too.

Like an alarm clock in the midst of a nightmare, Shouyou's pained whines emanate from the bathroom door. His suffering is so clear in his cries, and it's shocking that Kei has never noticed it before. He doesn't have a habit of knocking. He's used to taking what he wants without asking first. So he doesn't knock before he enters.

And there, curled up in front of the toilet, with a bloody blade, a bottle of vodka and thoroughly damaged pale skin, sits Shouyou. Tsukishima asks himself in this moment if he's ever seen a more miserable sight.

He asks himself how he is supposed to make up for the damage he has now caused. Hinata's actions cannot justify this anymore.

The person before him is broken. Well and truly.

There is no excuse for that.

Tsukishima can't express his apologies. He doesn't know how to say he is sorry in a way that will make Hinata stop crying. In a way that will make him smile and laugh and tell Kei how much he loves him again, so Kei can say it back. He really doesn't know what to do.

By this point, Hinata notices the presence next to him. He looks up, and the moment he sees Tsukishima, his eyes widen. For a brief moment, there is hope. Like perhaps he will finally be taken out of his grieving state. And then he remembers that this is real life, and not a story book, and Shouyou crumbles right then and there.

It's like the last straw. He is crying so hysterically he isn't sure he could make out up from down anymore, nor left from right. This is the moment that Kei realizes; he can't structure this moment in a way that makes sense to either of them. He can't make it any less insane than it already is, and before him is the broken image of a boy who once knew how to soar high up above the clouds.

So he kneels beside the ginger, his heart pitter pattering in his chest, his terror a background noise to the sight of such an aggressive mental breakdown. He ignores the blood, and the pungent scent of Smirnoff. For the first time in so long, Kei's arms wrap around Hinata in a protective manner. For the first time in so long, there is love behind his embrace, there is fear, and there is forgiveness. He should have forgiven Shouyou a long time ago; deep down, he thinks he probably did. But that isn't what matters now.

Because Shouyou has turned, and he has launched himself into the tight hug. He holds onto Tsukki, sobbing like his world is falling apart, and he wonders if this can finally be the last time that he breaks down into hysterics, screaming apologies, desperate to just be loved. To be forgiven.

They are both lost. Tsukishima is so unsure, and though he holds Hinata like he is the most precious thing in the world to him, he wonders why he can do that after the way he destroyed his lover. Hinata is lost in his own mind, so much so he doesn't care what position they're in. All he knows is if Kei lets him go, he will lose his mind once and for all.

And he continues to cry. He cries until he is so incredibly dehydrated he can't breathe right and his head is screaming for relief from the pain. And Tsukishima holds onto him.

The churning in Hinata's tummy soon drives him to tear away from Tsukki, to lean his head over the toilet bowl and lose his insides. He drank too much. He figures at this point Tsukishima will probably leave him to clean up the mess, but instead there are hands, rubbing up and down his back, soothing his whimpering and bringing the slightest bit of sensation among his agony. Shouyou is a mess of blood and crying and puke, but this time he is not left alone in it.

As he continues to be sick, continues to cry, he feels Tsukishima's chest against his back. Those long arms wrap gentle around his abdomen, and his tummy is rubbed gently, his hair, his forehead. Sweaty locks of hair are pulled back from his face, letting his skin breathe.

No words are spoken, and by the time Shouyou is done, he is so exhausted he probably wouldn't be able to process anything if he tried. His body slumps, his head lolling back against Kei's shoulder, and he briefly wonders when the blond managed to get the cold cloth he is wiping Hinata's chin and lips with. The taste of his own stomach acid in his mouth is vile, and he is so, so tired.

At some point, he is taken to bed. A glass of water touches his lips and he drinks eagerly, not caring as it spills down his chin. He is dehydrated, weary to his bones from his tears and from his sick.

Still, he expects Tsukishima to leave. And still, he is proven wrong as the blond climbs into bed beside him. Hinata is hazy and out of it, so he doesn't process the affection very well. He just leans into it. And wonders quietly if now he is forgiven.

Soon, he falls asleep. His heartbeat steadies, and his breath evens out.

Kei does not let go.


End file.
